Thursday, 2 March 2017

What is Your Biggest Fear?

I always found this an odd question, because I never really thought I had one. I don't mean that like I was trying to be brave, but I've never minded spiders, wasn't afraid of the dark, injections never bothered me. Basically things people might bring out for this question as a default answer, I didn't really have. This isn't to say I never got scared, however.

There are those fears that are more intangible. Scared to go to school the next day, because I'd been bullied so bad the day before. Scared of going to class, because I'd forgotten to do the homework for it. Anxiety in social situations, where there are too many people who I don't know well. I will say that I've had some of the best experiences in my life when I've forced myself to overcome this and step outside my comfort zone. And worry about where my life is going, not living up to everyone's expectations, including my own, and not having enough time to have the life I want.

I think a lot of those things stem from something that I have realised recently is my biggest fear - people finding out I'm not the person they think I am, finding out myself that I'm not the person I think I am.

People naturally put on a lot of different faces with different people. And it's not that any one of these people is a lie - they're all different parts of my personality. If friends saw me with my parents, they probably wouldn't recognise me. If Mum asks me to do the washing up, expect a fair bit of pouting and "why me?" It's not that I won't do it - I understand my parents do a lot for me, and I'm happy to help - it's just that the complaining is kind of a game at this point. With friends, I'll sometimes start washing up voluntarily to give them a hand. I'll tidy houses if I'm staying over, or do little jobs if I'm asked. The way Mum and I act would actually take a little explaining to others. Then I have some friends that I'll go to for a good gossip and bitch, and others who think I'd never bitch. It's surprising how many people are surprised when I swear, or to learn that I drink occasionally. That's not too bad, but if someone who thinks otherwise learnt how lazy, disorganised or irresponsible I can be - even those who know this don't know how bad I can be about it - I'd hate feeling like someone thinks the worst of me.

But if I ever had to find out I'm not as brave as I think I am? That maybe I'm not as adventurous as I think I am? That I'm not smart or funny at all, and no-one really likes me people really just humour me? That I really am not nice and kind at all? I think I'd hate that more then anything else.

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